Weeks Too Late: Clash of the Titans

Weeks Too Late: Clash of the Titans. Directed by Louis Leterrier & Written by Travis Beacham & Phil Hay.

Preconceptions: I like movies about monsters and swording. A lot. There are few things I enjoy more than clapping my hands while a hero jumps around stabbing at some great rubber or CG thing (too easy). I haven't seen the original Clash of the Titans since I was a very young girl, but I enjoyed it then and my tastes have changed very little. Fortunately for you, my little cupcakes, I haven't seen it in ages and this review will not be me boo-hooing about how a treasured childhood memory has been ruined. I have, however, read the Greek myths about Perseus recently, but I'll try to keep my nerd complaining to a minimum (no promises).

General Review: You know I don't like to talk about the acting first...but I can't seem to get past how much I hate Sam Worthington. I keep trying to write about other aspects of the movie, both ones that I enjoyed and hated, but Worthington's terrible acting is stuck in my craw. In this day and age, I rarely go out to see a movie where the headliner's acting is truly rancid. Oh it happens (like when I'm forced to watch that mouth breathing skank bucket Megan Fox), but usually it'll be that the quality of acting isn't what I'm expecting, or it's a bit flat.

Worthington's skill level shouldn't be seen outside of fan films and it certainly shouldn't be seen in a giant blockbuster. He was flat and uninspired in Avatar, but I didn't hold that against him. The writing in that was pretty lame and even one of my favourite leading ladies Sigourney Weaver (who's gone from MILF to GILF in my books) didn't make her role sparkle.

As a side note, does loving Sigourney Weaver and hating Megan Fox make me a tired gay man stereotype? I'm leaning towards yes. Stupid Wren, quit being a hack. Where was I? Yes. Worthington had some not terrible standard heroic speeches, the whole "Gods killed my family, who needs gods?" "lets all go show those giant monsters!" sort of thing. He might as well have been telling me about the soup special. Apparently, he falls in love with one of the chick characters, but you could have fooled me. You'd think getting into a mock fight and grinding her into the floor would show interest, but nope, not that I could see.

Alright, alright, something about Titans that isn't Sam Worthington hate related. Hmm. Well, I know a lot of the visuals were meant as homages to the old movie. Unfortunately, rather than being charming they just looked cheap. How you make a multi-million dollar movie look like it was filmed in my garage with some throw pillows, I don't know.

The monster fighting and swording you ask? How was that? I stomp my little foot, because it was dull, dull, dull. Alright: the Medusa fight was pretty cool. But other than that, snoozeville. And spoiler alert: the Kraken (which I'm pretty sure has been released) looks like a giant turtle with tentacles. Pfft. The movie based on a ride had a better Kraken than that. My BATHTUB has a better Kraken (he eats the rubber duckies, I call him Bathken and he has a loofa). I don't want to waste much time talking about Hades (the main bad guy) because the movie certainly didn't take any time making him cool or interesting. But in passing, a grey, floating, hunchback does not an inspired villain make.

I know it wasn't meant to be an ensemble movie or anything, but there was a lot of walking on, delivering a line and then wandering off again. Whole groups of characters were introduced to be basically ignored the rest of the movie or killed almost immediately. I understand the need for cannon fodder in a swording movie, but eesh, why give them names at all? The gods were barely even introduced. Most of them just glittered softly in the background (while Zeus glittered outrageously in the foreground).

Now, if I may break out my myth nerd for a minute: I will say I liked the choice to make it a story about men defying the gods with their own gumption, rather than men going around picking up god-treasures and using them to win. That works a bit better for me than the original (the myth not the movie). Something they cut from the original that I do miss is Perseus being a lying, tricksy Bugs Bunny character. I liked him better as a smooth talking cheater than as the bland hero. And boy a hero could not get more bland than Sam Worth...never mind.

To conclude, I spit on Sam Worthington's name, I think this movie was filmed on location at my house and don't bother with this until the rifftrax comes out.


Random Thoughts: I'm not saying that Alexa Davalos isn't pretty or anything...but if you're going to pick someone who's supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the world, a woman who's gorgeousness threatens the gods, you might want to aim a little higher.